Terrified. Just terrified.
So, before, when I would think about this whole journey, it was always more of the “daydreaming” side. Like, I would think to myself…”oh how fun it will be to hike all day and get to be in the sunshine,” or “It will so fun to just get in the car and drive and see new places”. Sort of “abstract” thoughts that seemed far off.
Now that’s it getting closer, it’s getting “real”, and my thoughts have turned to, “Holy hell, what am I doing?“. “Did I really think this through?” “What if I get on the road and hate it?”. What if I get lost?“. “Will I be able to sleep in the great wide open and not imagine Jason Voorhees right outside my tent?”.
There are moments when I truly think “Have I lost my damn mind?”.
This will be one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. Not so much the tasks of it all (selling stuff, planning, etc, although that is a lot), but mentally and knowing I will be relying all on myself. It is all up to me. From getting Zero and me where we are going safely, to putting up (and taking down) my tent and gear, to knowing what to do in case of an emergency, etc…it’s all on me. Sure there is Google (when I’ll have wifi) and there will be people along the way I can ask for help, but really, for the most part, it’s up to me 100%. What’s if it’s all too much?
And that’s not all…
There are more fears that start to creep around…
“Why am I selling all my stuff? I like my stuff. What happens if I want to come back and live and I have to buy everything all over again. This is dumb. What am I doing? I should keep all my stuff.”
But wait, there’s more. I also start thinking about…
Come August 14th, nothing in my life will be the same. My home will be different. How I cook will be different. The scenery will be different. The people will be different. My routine will be different. What I do during the day will be different. Like literally everything will be different. Will it be too much? Will I be able to adapt and settle in to it all? What about Z? She likes her routine, too; will she be able to settle in to everything?
These thoughts creep into my head and I start feeling nervous and scared. I begin to doubt myself and this journey. I start asking myself, “what if this is all a big mistake?“.
I can tell you I was actually a bit surprised when those feelings started to surface. I thought if I was feeling these things then maybe what I wasn’t doing what was right. Like maybe my feelings have changed and its not what I want. I thought if it was truly what I am meant to do, why would I feel doubt.
Then I had to make myself realize…of course I will feel doubt. How could I not? This is turning my entire life upside down. It’s completely normal to have these doubts and fears and “what if’s”. It doesn’t mean I am not on the right track, it just means it’s getting all more “real”…and that’s okay.
I also know it’s all okay because just a quick as these thoughts infest my brain, there are times where I can shut them down almost immediately. There are times when I feel peace and know I am doing exactly the right thing.
It can be something as simple as when I feel sunshine on my face, when I hear a certain song, or I look at Zero and she looks back up at me. The feelings of impending doom and doubt just slip away and I know I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I can’t explain it, but it’s just where I need to be right now. There is a sense of peace and calm and I feel like deep down, my “true self” is connected to this journey.
So while I do have these thoughts at times that totally freak me out and stop me dead in my tracks, I also have this indescribable feeling of peace and that I know it is just “meant to be”. Yes, I know there will be times I might be lost or scared, or can’t get my tent up and it’s pouring down rain…whatever… but I also know I can get through it. It’s kinda of like my quest and as I go through it, I will gain new experiences, grow mentally and spiritually, and learn things about myself.
I wanted to share this with you all because I want you to know that I am scared. That I’m a normal person with normal fears and concerns, and that those fears and concerns creep into my head sometimes and really freak me out. I want you to know that I feel self doubt. I want you to know that if you have a dream or idea or “calling”, to go for it. Yes, you will have doubts and fears and they may stop you in your tracks at times. But, if you truly feel like your dream is what you are meant to do, don’t let those fears stop you. Let them make you stronger.
How do I feel now…?
Terrified, but so excited.