It was really quick and truly unexpected. Her signs and symptoms came really fast.
We took her to the vet and her blood test came back showing kidney failure. Due to the severity and her being fifteen yrs old, we had to let her go.
That was THE hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I mean, that’s my baby girl… how do you just say goodbye?
She’s been in mine and Dylan’s little family for thirteen and a half years. She’s family. She’s part of us. I mean, sure, I knew this day would come sometime, but not now.
But it did happen and learning how to deal with all is not easy.
I know time will help. I learned that after my brother died. I was twelve and he was seventeen. Sucked really bad there for a long while but day by day, week by week, month by month it gets a little easier and you learn how to live this new way.
After I said goodbye to Z, the first couple of days I didn’t really know what to do. So I cried. And remembered. And cried.
I felt like I wanted to go out into nature. I felt like that would be healing and good, but since that was kinda “our thing”, I wasn’t sure I could do it. I mean, that’s where Z and I wanted to be. That’s where she and I both were the happiest. That’s where we really connected with the energy all around us and each other.
I tried to go to the park right after I had to say goodbye to her, but couldn’t do it and ended up just driving around. That was Friday.
Saturday, still had the feeling I wanted to go to a park but it was cold and raining. This day was harder than the previous day and most of it was spent crying.
Then Sunday came and the sun came out (although it was still cold and pretty windy). I decided that outside in nature is where I needed to be.
I felt like this was a good day for one last little adventure with her. A good day to get a little closure and make peace with it all.
I wanted to do this because I felt as long as I was not okay, she wouldn’t be okay either. She didn’t like it when I cried and I felt like she would kinda be “stuck” here until she knew I was better, Once she saw that I was okay, she could go on and be free.
I packed my backpack with water and my journal and headed to Fort Parker State Park. It’s about an hour away and Z and I had been one time before.
My thought was to go, find a good spot, and write in my journal as I ugly cry and let everything out.
I have to say, it was really weird but on the way there I really felt like Z was with me. I felt like she was in the backseat all excited about the day’s adventure.
I felt her with me so much that I even rolled the back window down when I drove through small towns where the speed limit was like 30mph. (That’s what I did when we traveled because whenever I slowed down, she’d always want to stick her head and nose out and see and smell everything).
The drive to Fort Parker was nice but tough and I cried more than I thought I would.
I got there and when I went in to pay I still felt like Z was with me so much that before I left the car I said “stay here and be a good girl and I’ll be right back”. Because that’s what I always did.
While paying inside, I kinda broke down on the park ranger. I was fine at first but then I mentioned how I had been there once before with my dog and the flood gates opened and the babbling began.
Not sure of everything I said but I know I mentioned nature and traveling with her, bison, saying goodbye… who knows. He was nice but did look a bit uncomfortable. It actually kinda made me laugh a little inside.
It was really weird returning to the car and not having Z waiting for me when I got back.
I expected to see her little face looking and watching for me and then her getting all excited as I got closer to the car.
I got in and drove to an area Z and I had been before. It was difficult getting out of the car and not opening the back door and getting her out; just didn’t feel right.
Grabbed my backpack, walked around a bit and came across the same picnic table where she and I chilled when we came and hiked.
I sat at the table, looked around and listened to the birds that were singing … and it felt nice. It felt peaceful and it felt okay.
I got out my journal and pen and started writing. I had imagined I was going to ugly cry as I did this, but I didn’t.
I was also expecting to kinda write a letter to her, but what it ended up being was a list.
An “I’ll miss…” list.
Things like , I’ll miss your rocking horse run. (When she would play and feel especially silly, she would run really exaggerated with her front and back end and she would look just like a rocking horse).
And I’ll miss… brushing you in the sunshine. I’ll miss how you would dart out of the room if I sneezed. I’ll miss seeing you in the backseat of the car. I’ll miss watching you looking up and watching the sky (she looked up at the sky more than any dog I have ever seen lol).
I wrote and remembered.
It felt good. It felt happy. It felt like it was okay.
As I looked around I realized she’s still here.
It was like I had an epiphany that she’s not gone but that now she’s part of the energy that is everything.
I mean, obviously the world was a better place with her in it physically. But now, all that pure joy and true love she had is part of the “universal energy” (don’t know what else to call it).
So she’s not gone. She’s in everything.
And I feel like hanging out in nature won’t be a “sad /missing her” kinda thing because it’s where I can actually connect and be closer to her.
Feeling better about everything (and realizing I was cold), I decided to head back.
I was scared I would drive home and feel like I left her at the park, but it didn’t feel that way. It felt like she knew I was okay so now she could be free and be okay.
I didn’t feel her with me in the car on the way home …which actually gave me a sense of peace…like she was free now. I didn’t even roll down the back window when I slowed to drive through the small town…and it felt okay not to.
My main goal with the trip was to have a little closure and let her know I was okay.
I feel like the goal was reached.
So-to my baby girl-go run and play. I may still cry from time to time but know that I’m okay and I want nothing more than for you to be happy and free.
I will always love you. ❤️